I just decided to go ahead and post this on KI but I had already shared it with my friends on facebook. I figured people on KI get a little too serious sometimes- which is not a bad thing, but we need to LAUGH too right? So hey why not...

 (Written Monday, April 28, 2008 @ 10:38PM)

By Lo (Enigmaress)

 Well, I compiled and edited the content for any senstive material that may offend different cultures/peoples etc. I sorta edit typos and wekelead paragraphs to make it more kind to the eyes of the readers.

Plus I capitalized the words meant to pop out at you!! Everything is straight up what different Kenyans shared with the rest of US.

(I DIDNT CHANGE THE CONTENT OR WORDS AT ALL!!!!)

 So all thats posted- 100% absolutely first hand real Kenyans who went through the painful experiences and thanks to Mashada.com, I compiled all the FUNNY to share on here (DAVID KOBIA didnt seem to mind, he laughed out louder than everyone.

Oh & to the admin. I compiled all the stories as they were written on Mashada, some stories have un-intended curse words that were actually not offensive but the product of our lovely mother tongue & accents. I just wanted to lay that out- just incase...

I am sure there are people who contributed to that post and might also see their posts on here. Laugh on!! Id love to know if anyone on Kenya Imagine recognizes their embarrassing moments on here... (Sure like anyone will own up...lol)- and if you read this on my facebook NOTES, it doesnt hurt to have the second helping.

LAUGH ON PEOPLE!!!
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KENYANS: First Experience In The US. PART #1

This guy had arrived to the US like on Tuesday @ 1531 hrs Pacific Time , so next day at around 0907 hrs he's at some friend's house (huzi , wife & 3 kids listening ) describing how his host PUSSY' (THE CAT) is well fed, hairy and always hungry . He was told with that kind of talk he just had to leave. Alipigwa na butwa , kwani Amerika vipi tena ukiongea juu ya pusi ya host unafukzwa tena ?

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This happened to two guys (Kenyans?) they were driving down a road and knocked down a deer, since it was shags they decided to beba, take it home and kula the meat - nyama choma style. Kumbe the animal hadnt kufad kabisa ...pengine ilikuwa comatose......they fika their apartment and decided to finish chingaing it kwa bathroom (yeah totally gross).

Kumbe jirani mngoso skiad the muffling and wheezing sound of an obviously large animal in distress :D Woman called animal services (she must have been a PETA Revolutionary Soldier or something) cops kujad found the guys in the middle of struggling to put the deer down.

So they tried to jitetea ati they were trying to resuscitate the animal (mouth to mouth) ......yeah *pause* kinda hard to believe when you have a knife and your hands are full of blood. :D They didnt jua you just dont pick up dead animals and make nyama choma out of the animal.
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So, here I was, about to try out my first "MAC-D" experience...... I go in, it takes me like 5 minutes to decide what I was going to get from the vastly confusing menu, then when that chic @ the counter finally keys it all into the teller, she asks, in what seems like supersonic-speed 

"FOR-HERE-OR-TO-GO?" and I was like "Pardon Me?" and she repeated, in the same exact speed, with an even deeper tweng! 

So in fear of absolutely embarrassing myself, I confidently answered.... "I'll HAVE BOTH" w/the best tweng I could pull..... U shoulda seen this girl's face..... "WHAT?"... 

lol!!!! It was funny!!! It took me a whole month to tell my girlfriends! Who by the way have been laffing @ me for like 4 years STRAIGHT!
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There is nothing quite as beautiful as when we Kenyans shrub and twang at the same time...........
"Ndu you wanna REMONADE! It's ririi SWEERER than CORAH" (Do you want a lemonade! It's really sweeter than Cola)
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My first few weeks in colle. I come from class and I see my mom had called. I was missing home vibaya. So I pick the phone and call home and the old lady answers. All excited, I say "HI MUMMY!". My roommate was in stitches. In Kenya it's sawa to call your old lady mummy, NOT here especially if you are a guy.
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When invited for Lunch remember you are paying for your meals! karibu nichonge viazi one time.

That applies to movies, and paying "bus fare" they want your company, otherwise pay for yourself, mimi karibu nitembee. Chief, unless someone says they are gonna pay your fare, pliz, dont adopt those stunts kenyans are soo good at of keeping quiet then hoping that since they are the host, they will 'feel' for u.
Utashangaa!!!!!
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This is from a friend. Lands in NY city. Needs to get a cab or shuttle to LaGuardia. So he's chugging his luggage in a 3-piece suit in the middle of summer and sweating like a dog. Cabbie comes towards him and says, "what's up Bra?". I swear the guy was looking at the ceiling!
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Don't ever ask for a 'RUBBER' in class---itisha ERASER!!

Don't play with a little kid with the "COOCHIE, COOCHIE" words---I've heard enough kenyans do this.

Kule na work there's a kid(chizi) who keeps on saying the "coochie, coochie" words. so this day the mom calls and he say the words and u cant believe how the mom caused 
Wakenya ni watiaji. I"M KENYAN AND PROUD
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Its Marlboro Kenyans (pronouced ma'boo) NOT maloboro!!!

I once told a chic that i own a Sprint pieces (PCS) phone. She looked at me like i was in a coffin, and those tight jeans you brought... doesnt matter how much u paid for them, cuz u look like a fag Loool. Is there any Kenya who has never encountered that?
ME told another chick across from my calculus class: Can I please borrow your rubber?
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My pal from California came to visit me in Kenya once, and he kept seeing the 'TO LET'' signs kila mahali, then after a while he was like 'To let what?'
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Then, this jungu went into labor in NAI, and she was in the hosi and after she gave birth the nurse was like, 
"Do you want a NAPPY? And she said, 'No thanks, I've had enough sleep."

NAPPY= DIAPERS in Kenyan Lingo.
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I kumbuka back when my roommate's dad picked me and my famo up at the airport and then we went out to dinner at a rather fancy restaurant and we were all impressed ati the jamaa was paying. Now I look back in embarrassment, poor jamaa had to pay for all of us yet he was prob expecting a contribution.
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One American chile asked me for directions and i ambiad her ati "You cut a corner over there." Do you cut a corner or turn a corner?
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First time i pandad a bus, i was about to gongagonga the dirisha with a quarter and shout "Shukisha!!" when my bro reminded me we aint in a Ma3.
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Went for the drivers test and drove on the left lane. the instructor was screaming like a ####.
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My first date was with an American girl, I was lucky to get some but she laughed at my undies. i had worn what is commonly know as 'Y' (pronounce 'waiyee'). First time to see a KEG i was soo happy a took a pic hugging it and sent it to my friends back home. lol
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There was this jomba who fikad Boston (jomba I apologise in advance for unleashing this manenos here). His host had sent him address which read ... Worcester MA .

So it's summer time yeye na double-breast suti embarks from plane , clears thru port of entry follows instructions given to him by host proceedes to the bus stage to get his bus. So he asks driver for the bus that goes to WOKESTA MA ! Dere obviously never heard of that place tells him to ask around from other paasengers but nobody juas WOKESTA MA!

So dude shukas and waits for the WOKESTA MA ! bus . The 1st dere who he had asked has done like 3 raos and realizes dude is still at the very same airpost bus-stage . Asks for the paper where address is written which probably reads Worcester MA . Tells dude to panda basi he'll pay his fare and takes him to his host's place.
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Speaking of Worcester! My friend used to proudly announce and say to write letters to her in Meneshoda! (MN) lmao. You can imagine the guys at the post office, they were prob thinking thank God for zip codes!
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Nishaland Detroit githaa fulani maze bila contact za msee kunipick from airport.maze ilibaki nimeomba phone card kutoka akata fulani nisha call kenya niget phone za msee kunipick kutoka airport noma jo!
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Talk about ROOT BEER. The first friday of our first wk in skul, me and another kenyan jamaa, apparently the only kenyans living on campus decides that we wanna have a good time. So we go buy nyama and chomas it. While the nyama chomas we go buy like 20 root beer(we think to be extremely lucky coz no ID was asked coz we are both 19yrs) and put it in the fridge to cool. 

So we eat our nyama then get down on our ROOT BEER. Woi!!! I tell u we were so dissapointed coz the thiang tested like shiet, we didnt even know then that we could make a return, so we are stuck with 18 root beer and the opened ones with only 2-3 sips out. The night was all ruined and upto date I dont like even seeing root beer.
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A jamaa was giving us this story that when he came he had finished registering for his classes when he met this Kenyan guy.Jamaa introduced himself alafu he told the guy he would like to buy him lunch since they came from the same area.

He told him they were going to eat TACO, Jamaa who is new from Kenya started wondering how can u eat "Tako".He asked the guy whether he actually meant wakakule "TAKO".The guy is like

"Yaa tutakula Taco!!"

So as they were driving to the restaurant he kept wondering how can someone eat "Tako"
Later he told us he realised that Taco is a kind of food here and not the swahili "Tako"
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There is this friend of mine at my Uni, a very respected individual but shrubz like nobody's business. So we went to the mall with a group of friends in his ride. After shopping the mall was so full, it was kinda hard to figure out where we parked.
Dude goes like "where did I F**K (park) my car." 
Everybody's hair stood on end ...lol!
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(To Be CONT'D -Part #2 coming soon, I am still laughing hysterically...For real!!)

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PART #2

I posted Part 1 & 2 on facebook, but I just decided to combine the two parts and post on one blog. 

True stories- Compiled By Lo (Enigmaress).

Saturday, May 3, 2008 at 12:06am  

KENYANS: FIRST EXPERIENCE IN THE US (PART #2)

No offense to Kisii Dudes, but this guy from Kisii was the funniest....someone told him that when he fikas huku, all he has to do is stand at the entrance...(sliding doors), SAY HIS NAME AND THE DOORS WOULD OPEN. 

He fikas airport, stands near the doors and says "OCHWERI!!", voila, the doors open. A jamaa did that for like three ama four weeks mpaka the dude who was hosting him was like hapana, something is wrong here, and he asks "Ochweri" why he always says his name everytime they got to a door, wacha "Ochweri" explained how doors open when he says his name....VICHEKOS, I was told that one I almost died of laughter. It is true by the way, I have met "Ochweri" and he even jokes about it and has a serious "wanted" for this pple who lied to him before he came here.
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I had already started makin a fool of myself aboard the plane, BA flight 2069 as I recall, from Nairobi to London.

I had a whole two seats on the window to myself..and they brought me breakfast??(was it???) milk kando na chai baadaye, now this kaflight attendant, supuu jo! decides to bring the chai much later, and so mi sikujua, opened the katiny milk thingee and drank the whole thing, then she brings the chai and looks around and sees an empty thingee of milk and smiles. mi kondoo...was supposed to add the milk to the chai,not drink it out of the kaplastic container......embarassment lakini I hope she understood. Man from the slopes fo sho...now cant teach me nada...
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From the plane maisha was just wrong. I was given some hot coffee and a small red straw so I put 1+1 and decided to drink that coffee with the straw. Next was finding booze in the vending machine. Booze or soda, this was a no brainer. I bought the beer only to find it tasted like cough syrup.....kumbe root beer sio pombe!!!
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Hata mimi, I drank my tea with that little straw the first time it was given to me. 

Baadaye, I ate some fruits and I threw a huge heap of peels in the flower garden to give the plants MBOLEA.

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Then when I started working in the cafeteria, I didn't know which coins were nickels, dimes ... so I would take long minutes staring at those coins trying to differentiate them - that time there is a long angry and hungry crowd of students waiting to get in and eat.
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There is this dude who I used to work with, A Kenyan, he had just been like 3months in Stato. So one day a bunch of us , with other American co-workers , were just talkin. Then one African American asked what kind of pets r likable in Kenya. The Kenyan dude was fast to say ... "Most Kenyans have lots of "PUSSIES' in their haos!!lol.. Those African Americans laughed oh my God!!!

Sasa the dude thot maybe coz of his accent they had not nyitad what he was saying. He then took a paper and wrote it down...ati this is what I mean..lol..yaani pple were dyin with laughter... I had to help him out and told them he meant CATS!!!!!Yaani I will never forget that jobo..those African Americans laughed for like a whole freakin month...
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I did not know that "drawers" meant "underwear." So we're in this African American bar, two of us Kenyans. We're at a table with some African American, someone cracks a joke where "DROP YO DRAW'RS!!" was part of the punchline, everybody laughs except us two Kenyans...
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JUICE- they say it like 'JUSS', but I pronounce it like it looks 'JOOISSSS' ...they didn't know if I was ordering GREASE, A FEAST , A KISS.

MILO - Here they say it 'MY- LOW' whereas I pronounce it 'MEEELOOO'. I have had many an argument over this one.
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I have been here for seven years, and while I have improved A LOT in my pronunciations, I still have a problem pronouncing the word 'FACT'. Somehow, it always comes out sounding like "FUCKED"! Any pointers? (FACT)

My suggestion is say it very fast......so people don't catch it like FVCKED!!!

Words I have to be careful kusema...BUFFALO...it should be 'BAFFALO'

So I have this word to....PATENTED...now the ed is kind of silent...lakini mimi nasema PATENT-ED...mpaka watu are like ehhh? Solution...say quick and move to the next word.

There is a town in Illinois called Milan. I pronounced it the way Italians do -- "Mee-lan". Huh, Americans call it "My-lan". Go figure! It's their home so I gave in.

I heard this from a Kenyan in Texas, he even said hello to me, "WARRUP?" ati 'WHATS UP'? Maze just stood there amused.

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I have a buddy workmate of mine who when she talks to African Americans she wengs like crazy and they never get what she's saying. Mpaka the other day they asked me ati how come my pal twists her mouth like that..ati kama she's sick???
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What are you semaing, manze I thought you had to pay for the food they serve on the plane. So me being a mjinga, I said am sawa when they asked me if I wanted something to eat. Wacha I fikad stato, I told my buddies who met me at the airport that I had not fed for two days so I was starving. They just looked at each other and exchanged smiles.

I came to gundua myself when I was flying domestic that the dish is already included in the fare. But Hey, we have to start somewhere.
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One of my Kenyan buddies, was at mataa! and u jua that kenyan b'haviour, shukisha/kupanda kwa mataa......the dere tho't he was going nuts or something banging the mlango huko kwa "mataa"!! 

I heard that saga and amuad...mine was a minor incident!!hahahaha
I've just fikad Ohare in Chicago and I was kazwad for a long call jo(kwenda kwa shooo), being in that Immigration Line after leaving the plane, we stood there for like 2 hours...mob guys...

So after being given the go ahead I ran straight to the bathroom- I finished my thing and now I'm feeling mzuri and it's time to get up ....maze there is no flush kwani iko nini...( It comes Automatic when you open the door to exit)

maze I was in the bathroom for like HALF AN HOUR.
By the way that was my first time to see a super clean public toilet !
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Haya, where in Kenya - from Lavington to Mathare - would you expect to drink "ICED TEA" When I was first offered, I thought it was a practical joke. I kept waiting for people to "get real" - years later, I'm still waiting.


WATER: Kenyans say 'WOTA' in the US you say 'WORRA', 

BATTERIES: Kenyans say : BAT- RIZ in the US you say: BARRARIEZ.

Kenyans say GOD is GOD in the US its 'GAD'.

Kenyan say BISCUITS in the US its COOKIES.

To add to my misery.

BOOT: ile ya gari. Its called TRUNK

LIFT is called ELEVATOR.

PAVEMENT is called CURB.

It wasnt even a BATHROOM, it was a WASHROOM, and thats the TOILET for you in Kenya.

Measurements...ooooh men. YARDS vs METERS, or is it METRES.

PETROL is called GAS, az in short for GASOLINE, this one caught me flat out the first week. ati gas?

Talk about the music videos - am just now, seven years later, beginning to understand most of those words - unless of course am looking at the lyrics.
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When I first arrived in the US about 6 yrs ago, I went to a buddy's apartment and they were watching comic view on BET. For the life of me I could not figure out what the hell was being said and why everyone was laughing so hard. I was tempted to ask if those guys were speaking a different language. I always laugh at myself when I remember those days.
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I've been here 10 years deep and I still cant pronounce 'LITERALLY'. Its not pronounced 'LEETERALLY', its actually 'LITERELY', I swear to God everytime I see that word I just shudder.

I remember when my cousins first came and they'd pronounce Marlboro the Kenyan way, and try LINCOLN, its not pronounced LEENKOLIN , its 'LINKIN'.
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Most people cant pronounce Hyundai, there is a big difference between how you pronounce HYUNDAI and HONDA.

ARKANSAS = 'AR KIN KIN SAW'ar , and not 'AR CAN'S ASS'

YOSEMITE = YO SAY MEE TEE', not 'YO SAY MIGHT' (this one I embarrassed myself in a Freshman class speech, after class a dude who had never talked to me helped me out with the correction)

CONNECTICUT = "CO NEH DI CUT', not 'CONNECT- I- CUT' (ha ha haa!!)

But my GOD will remain 'GOD", I'll never ever ever ever do the 'GAD' thing. Never!! Even if they take me to Guantanamo Bay.

Another one I refuse to agree with Americans: SUBARU. They say 'SUBRU', I insist on 'SU- BAH- RU' and I tell them Japanese intonation is very much like East African (Kiswahili/Kikuyu/Luo). [Did you know there's a town called 'Obama' in Japan?.
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Americans rarely use the word SLAP but instead use SMACK. It sounds weird too if you told someone that in school you were 'BEATEN' by the teachers. I think the word here would be 'SPANKED' and to BEAT someone up would be 'WHOOPED'. or gave them a 'WHOOPING'. 

It is was weird too when someone asked you whether you wanted a biscuit and got a salty roll and you were expecting a biscuit (Kenyan style one) which is a cookie here.

Americans pronounce Italian as I-talian, Iran as I-ran, Hyundai as Handay, HONDA as HANDA. DIRTY is pronounced as 'DARRY'. The southerners are heard to understand and sound like they have a hot potato (TAYROW or POTAROW)in their mouth. 

"I am fixing to.....", they will say when they mean to say "I am about to ......" and will keep asking you "For real?"

I don't agree though that their "r" is pronounced the same way as the French "r". Both Americans and French stress on the "r" but in a different way. I think the French pronounce their "r" as "argh" while the Americans as "ahr".

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My first moments in the States include: 

Using the garbage disposal to dispose of EVERYTHING.. even chicken bones....

Being so shocked as to how out of touch the Kenyans who have been here a while are.... I hope I don't fall into that category now.

Being very quick to defiantly proclaim "I'm from Kenya!" Now watch me mumble... "The West Coast......." (you never know why they're asking maze')

Budgeting all my money to the last penny.... "Soda - 99cents; Gum - 25 cents" Gone are the days of such prudence.......

Having American men call me African Queen and ask me to teach them Swahili (ladies, how quickly did THAT grow old.....) 

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